Drunk Spike and a Barstool named John
by Elven Twins
Summary: Spike gets really drunk and has a conversation with a barstool named John who gives him some helpful advice in life. This is not for buffy fans! all flames will be givein to my pet Dragon and for the love of Spike, Please R&R.


Drunk Spike and a Barstool named John What happens when Spike gets drunk at the bronze and reevaluates his life? Funny!!! Not for Buffy Fans. R&R  
  
Spike fell off the barstool. Again. "One more shot!" he told the bar stool. "One more shot, and I'm leaving."  
  
"You said that last time." Said the bar stool in reply. "Now stand up and bring the bottle down here and stop fooling yourself"  
  
He desperately tried to stand up, but it was a physical impossibility. "Stop leaning on me!" the bar stool said.  
  
"Well I can't bloody well stand up with out your help" he said angrily.  
  
"Well you better try," said the barstool. " I've had some pretty weird guys leaning on me before but this is just wrong, why'd you get so drunk anyways?"  
  
"The usual. In love with the unattainable. Can't bloody well make her love her me by getting drunk can I?"  
  
"Don't think so." Said the barstool. "Unless she's a punk anarchist from the 70's, who has a crush on Billy Idol."  
  
"I doubt it." Spike had pulled himself up far enough to grab the bottle and sink back down to the floor. He took a big gulp. " She's one of those 'do good' types and I'm not"  
  
"Well then, here's an obvious question, why do you love her?"  
  
"I don't know. She doesn't know. He doesn't even know" he said pointing at the approaching Xander.  
  
"His name is John" said Xander, pointing at the barstool. "Be nice and listen to he has to say. He knows his shit. Can I have some of that?" He asked, reaching for the whiskey.  
  
Spike growled and Xander backed off, disappearing into the diminishing crowd.  
  
"So tell me about this girl." The barstool, or rather, John said. "Is she pretty? Nice? Good to you?"  
  
"Yes, Yes, and No." Spike took another gulp of whiskey. "She's nice to everyone else, but not me. Never to me."  
  
"Well she doesn't sound like a very nice person in general. Does she have a reson not to like you?"  
  
"Well there is the old excuse of ' I'm the evil blood sucking filth of the planet'"  
  
"That's no excuse" john said indignantly  
  
"and the fact that I tried to kill her" he paused to drink more " but only once or twice, and it was just to prove to Angel that she wasn't very strong."  
  
"Is she tough?"  
  
Spike considered that for a moment and tried to find her in the crowd. Her clumsy dance partner had stepped on her foot and she screamed in pain. "Depends on the context, she can handle anything that is serious but nothing minor, like failing out of school or something"  
  
"I failed out of school!" said John.  
  
"Did you now?" asked Spike.  
  
"Yeah, but lets get back to your issues."  
  
"What issues?" Spike growled. He was morally offended. "Vampires don't have issues." Paused, "Dru was a special case, that was Angel's fault."  
  
"Who is this 'Angel' anyway? You seem to have a lot of anger towards him."  
  
"So you want to know about Granddaddy!! Bloody poofter thinks he's better than us, 'cause he's got himself a soul."  
  
"Do you want a soul?" John asked.  
  
"Bloody hell no! Who do you think I am? A platypus?"  
  
"No you don't resemble a mammal with webbed feet." John assured him.  
  
"Your bloody right I don't." Spike said, taking another swig.  
  
"What reasons do you have to love her?" the barstool asked.  
  
Spike was still in the corner, leaning against the wall talking to a barstool. (Named John.) "She's bloody gorgeous." Spike said considering the factors. "I think I just want to get in her pants! No, perhaps there's something else. You know how every guy wants a strong girl who can take control. It's sortta like that. But she abuses that ability."  
  
"You should reevaluate your life," said John the barstool. "She obviously isn't good enough for you. Find some one else who respects who you are."  
  
"Yeah, right. I'm not beneath her or anyone else." And he fell unconscious.  
  
" I know" said John  
  
~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~  
  
Spike woke up on his bed, in his crypt. He looked around and sighed. What time was it? Where am I? What did I do last night? How did I get here? Were only a few of the questions that were swimming around his chipped brain. Aahhhh. He was at the bronze last night where he got really drunk and had a talk with a barstool named John. It was 3:00 in the afternoon and he had an awful hangover. Two bottles of Jack Daniels does not go well without any food. The last thing he remembered was that John had told him he was better than Buffy and that he should move on. Good advice, he thought, just move on. Move out of town and find a girl who would treat him well.  
  
Buffy woke up and knew something was missing. She went down stairs but everything was normal. Nothing was out of place and Dawn was still sleeping. The doorbell rang and she opened it. There was a small present in front of the door. She took it inside and opened it up. She was in shock. She couldn't breath, dawn came downstairs.  
  
"What's up, something wrong?" She asked when she saw Buffy clutching the table with white knuckles. Dawn looked in the small box and there, sitting on some cotton was a small bloody computer chip.  
  
The End  
  
AN: Okay! Everyone like? I like!! Megise likes!!! Spike will become the terror of Europe. !!! The Chip will come out and so will the soul!!!!! BUFFY IS BENETH SPIKE!!! HAHAHAHAH!!! 


End file.
